Monday, November 21, 2011

Like a Phoenix

Wowza! Good afternoon readers, did you miss me?!  I know it's been a long, long time...longer than I said it would be, but like a Phoenix I have re-emerged from my cave of solitude. Just in time for the holidays!


Now, let's do a quick run down on the spending tip and then I have a very dramatic and soap-opera like story to tell you all.  I am proud to report that I am back on track spending-wise.  After several weekend of travel and a backwards tail-spin back into my old ways, I am finally back on track.  My next goal is actually a 2 week one, to finish my Christmas shopping.  Now, as many of you know, I have already done a lot of Etsy shopping for the holidays so I only a have a few things left...but a lot stands between me and those things.  So, I am hoping to finish it all off and come in under $300 total for the year.  I am skeptical, but I think it can be done!


In the coming weeks I'll also be showcasing some affordable holiday recipes for those of you who will be forced to cook for various holiday gatherings, but might not have the budget for say bourbon soaked, gold plated game hens, or whatever rich people eat.  I promise to also include the recipe for my infamous cheese ball:
This may be the most controversial recipe of all time.


Anyhow, now that I have teased everything else that is to come let me now share with all of you what I like to call "The Saga of My Boss and the Imelda*" (*names have been changed to protect the less-than innocent).  Settle in boys and girls, this one is so long, I've decided to place it behind a jump...read on if you dare.

Let me begin by introducing our cast of characters:

My Boss - My Boss
Imelda - Lady who no likes my boss
Scarlet - Other lady who Imelda no like
Brandon - Man who Imelda dislikes most
Me - Yours truly

Our story begins on an ordinary Tuesday in my office.  I am trudging along spinning golden blog entries and tweets at the drop of hat, when all of a sudden we receive a phone call.  The woman on the other end says her name is Imelda and she wants to speak with My Boss; I ask My Boss if he wants to take the call, he thinks on it for a moment and then tells me to take a message and see if I can help her.

I click back over to the caller and I ask how I can help her, my boss is unavailable.  She asks for our mailing address, I give it to her.  She asks if My Boss is a lawyer, I say he is licensed, but not practicing. She asks where he is licensed, I say DC.

SHE LOSES HER FRIGGIN' MIND.

Imelda proceeds to tell me that she is going to sue My Boss, he's misrepresenting himself as an attorney in Florida, he's on the FBI's most wanted list, and what he's doing is absolutely deplorable and she is going to bring him down.

Now, my boss is an older man, married with three kids, of a very genial disposition...so I begin to cast doubt.

"Ma'am," I say, "I must insist you have the wrong person here, My Boss has never lived or worked in Florida."

Imelda tells me that I simply don't know who I'm working for, what is my job there, she asks, and she says she is going to bring the authorities to have him arrested.  She then tells me that My Boss and Scarlet are in league with each other and that they are homicidal "baby-killers".  I ask who this Scarlet person is, and she says, "He knows the woman he's [redacted]-ing".  I'm assuming you can all fill in that blank.

I tell her one more time that I know she has the wrong person and she says, "Well, if I'm wrong then we'll let the FBI and the State's Attorney determine that.  I'm sorry you got caught up in all this." She then hangs up.

I am simultaneously cracking up and beginning to hatch an escape plan should this lady come to DC from Florida.

I run over to the office of a co-worker and ask if this woman has any legal base about which we could be concerned.  She doesn't, my coworker tells me, but since she's crazy and has our address, that we should flag it for My Boss.

I tell My Boss the situation, and he explains to me that this woman has been emailing him every five minutes for the past day, and that CC'ed on these emails is this Scarlet character, who occasionally responds.  He isn't worried about it, so he tells me we should just ignore it.

A normal person might've let this go at this point...but if you know anything about me by now, you should know that I am far from normal.

I take to the Google machine.  I first look up the e-mails that my boss has received, they're in his Spam folder.  They range from the seemingly logical "I will not let you get away with this, this is black mail and extortion...I will make sure you are arrested," to the basically insanely impossible "You are a baby-killer, a 10 MONTH ABORTION?!! who duz dat?".  

I'm pretty much sure a 10 month abortion is called infanticide...but maybe we should check with Casey Anthony.  Too soon? Yea, I thought so...moving on!

I then begin to research our cast of characters.  A search on Imelda and Scarlet reveals a number of things: 
  • Imelda is a well established Florida business woman, on the board of several organization, and with an MBA.
  • Scarlet has a criminal arrest record for domestic violence.
  • Scarlet has a boyfriend named "Brandon", coincidentally my boss' last name.
  • Scarlet and Imelda worked together at a housing association in Florida.
  • Scarlet once owned a 30 pound illegal African cat that Brandon tried to hide from police, the cat was later removed from their home.
  • Scarlet has a MySpace and a Picasa album with pictures of her and a baby tiger.  A BABY TIGER!
Now, at this point, I establish several things, Scarlet knows Imelda and Imelda thinks My Boss is Brandon.  Apparently, Scarlet and Brandon are trying to blackmail Imelda and she is none too pleased about it.  What does she have to hide, I wonder?  What have they got on her?

I check My Boss' emails again and find several new ones saying things like "A non-practicing attorney in DC?! What duz that mean baby-killerz?!" and "[Redacted-my office address], on my way, be there by 6!" One of the emails even had a picture of a terminal at Miami International Airport, letting us know that she was serious.

This is starting to get a little too real for me, so I give My Boss an update.  He still seems unfazed, apparently people stalk him like all the time, no biggie fries.  He does tell me to let the building know not to let anyone with Imelda's name up to our office.

I call the building and explain the situation, and they tell me they'll take care of it and to inform the other people in our office suite.  My Boss tells me emphatically to only tell one specific person and let her handle it, and not to tell someone else specific, because things will get blown out of proportion.  Well, the person he wants me to tell is in a meeting, so I tell the person he told me specifically not to tell.

She says I should call the police because, "Crazy people do crazy things! We don't need anyone coming in, attacking us!"

I decide she's right, we don't need anyone attacking us.  I've gotta call the police.

Now, I'm frantic, I'm crying like I'm Anne Boleyn going to her execution, and I dial 911 in a fever.  I explain the entire saga to the police officer and she tells me there's nothing she can do unless My Boss reports it, because he's the one getting the e-mails.  WHAT?! We don't have that kind of time, lady!

I apologize for being so crazed, I've just never been in this situation before, at this point she goes into D.A.R.E. officer mode and tells me, "It's a good job what you did, you did exactly the right thing. Exactly what you should do."

In the meantime, our office has received a voicemail.  I pick it up and hear Imelda's voice on the recording.

"I AM RECORDING THIS CALL," she screams, "you are a baby-killer and I am on my way with the police and the states' attorney."

I suppose I should note, that amidst the flurry of emails, Scarlet has occassionaly responded back saying things like, "U straight up crazy," and "Electro-shock therapy headed your way for realz."

My Boss gets back to the office from a meeting and I have to explain to him that I called the police, even though he specifically told me not to blow things out of proportion.  He laughs, and shakes his head.  His wife is friends with the former commander of DC police, so he has her call him and ask what we should do.  The commander says there's not much we can do, but we should get a police unit out to take a report, and so he dispatches one.

I go downstairs to tell the front desk attendant that while Imelda is not allowed up, when the police come, they are.

"Okay, so Imelda comes up, police, no."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!," I scream, "Our lives are at stake here, listen to me man!"

He figures out what I mean and when the police arrive he sends them up.  I stay late to help them put together the report and show them all the Google information I found (they specifically ask me for this - I did not force it on them).  They said I was "good with computers".  Yup, if there's anything I know, it's computers and crazies.

Eventually the police leave, telling us there's not much they can do, but if Imelda shows up, to call them and not let her in, they offer to walk me to my "car" (ha-as if!) if I'm uncomfortable, but I decide to go it alone.

When I get home, I check My Boss' email one last time...there are a few more emails.  One is from Scarlet telling Imelda that she's sorry she mocked her condition before, that she clearly has a problem and needs serious help.  Others are from Imelda asking why we're not answering the phone, do we have call forwarding set up, who will My Boss be tomorrow?

The last two emails go like this: Scarlet says that she's waiting for Imelda, where is she? Imelda replies with one simple sentence, "With the authorities to make sure your charges stick...pussy!".

That was the last we heard of our beloved Imelda, and on the way home I saw Obama's motorcade...just another day in Amurrka.

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